Anxious Parent? How PACE Helps You Connect With Your Teen (Without Losing Yourself)

Parenting teenagers can feel like riding a roller coaster with no seatbelt. One minute they’re confident and independent, the next they’re slamming their door and muttering under their breath.

Parenting teens can feel like an emotional roller coaster—PACE helps you ride the highs and lows with more calm and connection

If you live with anxiety, those moments can hit hard. I know— because I’m both a therapist and a parent. There are days I catch myself spiraling into that what if mindset:

• What if they mess this up?

• What if I’m failing them?

• What if I can’t keep them safe?

  
  

Anxiety loves “what if.” It can hijack the way you parent, making you more reactive, less connected, and so tired you feel like you’re running on fumes.

But here’s the thing: breaking that cycle doesn’t mean shutting off worry (that’s not how anxiety works). It’s about finding a calmer way to show up for your teen—without losing yourself in the process. One tool I keep coming back to is PACE—Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy.

Why Parenting Teens Feels So Big When You’re Anxious

Teenagers are supposed to push boundaries. That’s part of how they grow up. But if you live with anxiety, it can feel like every eye roll is a red flag and every risky choice is somehow your fault.

When I catch myself spiraling, I try to pause and ask: “Is this about their actual safety—or my fear talking?” Nine times out of ten, that question helps me breathe before I react.

What Is PACE?

PACE comes from Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP) and was originally created to help kids heal from attachment wounds. But honestly? It works beautifully for parenting teens, especially when anxiety wants to run the show.

1. Playfulness – Lighten the Moment

Anxiety can make everything heavy fast. Playfulness doesn’t mean ignoring big issues—it’s just about adding a little softness to the moment. A gentle tone, a small smile, even a well-timed joke can go a long way:

Teen: “Why do you even care what I do?”

Parent: (smiling) “Pretty sure it’s in my job description—‘professional worrier, full-time parent.’”

That tiny spark of humor can break the tension and remind both of you: this relationship is safe.

2. Acceptance – See Them Without Judgment

Acceptance isn’t about agreeing with every choice. It’s about seeing their feelings as real, even when you don’t like their behavior.

• “I can see this really matters to you.”

• “You’re frustrated. I get that.”

For anxious parents, this is huge because anxiety often whispers, fix it, control it, make it go away. Acceptance creates space for connection instead of shutdown.

3. Curiosity – Invite Conversation, Not Interrogation

When anxiety’s loud, it’s easy to slip into lecture mode. Curiosity slows things down:

• “Help me understand what this feels like for you.”

• “What’s the hardest part of this right now?”

Curiosity tells your teen: I want to know you, not just correct you.

4. Empathy – Feel With Them

Empathy is about joining them in their feeling, even if you don’t agree with their choice. Sometimes it’s as simple as sitting down beside them and saying:

“This looks hard. I’m here with you.”

You don’t have to fix it in that moment. You just have to show up.

Parenting Yourself While Parenting Them

PACE isn’t just for your teen—it’s for you. Your teen is watching how you handle stress. Are you doomscrolling, snapping at everyone, or burying yourself in busywork? (No judgment, I’ve done all of that too.)

What if you showed them what it looks like to handle anxiety in healthy ways?

• Taking breaks when you’re overwhelmed.

• Calling a friend or therapist when you’re stuck.

• Making time for things that bring joy—not just chores.

  
  

You’re teaching emotional regulation, but you’re also modeling it.

Connect Before You Correct

Your teen will make choices you don’t love. That’s life. But if your first response is anger or judgment, they’re less likely to come to you next time.

When things go sideways, try starting with connection: “I love you. I’m here. I want to understand what’s going on.”

Boundaries still matter. Consequences still matter. But leading with relationship keeps the door open.

When Anxiety Is Loud

When your anxiety screams: They’re making bad choices, this is a disaster, pause and ask yourself:

• Can I lighten this moment?

• Can I accept them even when I dislike the choice?

• Can I get curious instead of controlling?

• Can I feel with them instead of reacting at them?

  
  

Each question slows anxiety down and makes space for connection instead of conflict.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

Parenting teens is hard. Parenting teens with anxiety? That’s next-level.

Using PACE takes practice—and support. If anxiety is making parenting feel overwhelming, reaching out for help can make a big difference. That might mean talking to a therapist (like me) or confiding in someone you trust.

You don’t need every answer right now. You just need space to breathe, connect, and remember: your relationship with your teen matters more than any single mistake or moment.

If you’re ready for support, I’d love to help. Schedule a consultation so we can talk about what’s been hard, what’s been working, and how to make space for calmer, more connected parenting—without losing yourself in the process.

Lets Connect.

References:

• Hughes, D. A., & Baylin, J. (2012). Brain-based parenting: The Neuroscience of Caregiving for Healthy Attachment. W. W. Norton & Company.

• Hughes, D. A., & Golding, K. S. (2024). Healing relational trauma workbook: Dyadic developmental psychotherapy in practice. W. W. Norton & Company.

• Lender, D. (2020). Integrative attachment family therapy. W. W. Norton & Company.

• The home of dyadic developmental psychotherapy. DDP Network. (2025, July 25). https://ddpnetwork.org/