Parenting Through the Panic: How to Help Teens Sit with Anxiety Without Fixing It

When Your Child Feels Anxious, It’s Easy to Feel Powerless

As both a therapist and a parent, I’ve seen it again and again: a child overwhelmed by fear or uncertainty, and their caregiver rushing in to make it better—soothe the fear, fix the situation, or avoid the discomfort entirely. It’s instinctual. We want to protect our kids from pain.

But what if, instead of trying to remove the discomfort, we helped them learn how to be with it?

One of the most impactful ways we can shift our relationship with anxiety—and teach our kids to do the same—is to understand how it works. That’s where licensed marriage and family therapist Oliver Drakeford’s 10 Rules of Anxiety come in.

The 10 Rules of Anxiety

Anxiety tends to follow its own strange logic—unspoken “rules” that keep us caught in cycles of worry, overthinking, and avoidance. Naming these patterns is the first step in loosening their hold.

These “rules” remind us that anxiety often isn’t about real danger. It’s more about fear of the unknown, fear of not being good enough, or not being in control. Once we see these patterns for what they are, we can begin to challenge them—with gentleness and patience.

What Is Intolerance of Uncertainty? (And Why It Fuels Anxiety)

One of the core drivers of anxiety—especially for parents—is something many people don’t realize has a name: Intolerance of Uncertainty (IU).

IU is the tendency to react negatively—emotionally, mentally, and behaviorally—when we don’t know what’s going to happen.

It’s not just fear of a bad outcome; it’s the discomfort of not knowing at all.

Where IU Comes From

The concept of IU first emerged from research on Generalized Anxiety Disorder in the 1990s (Dugas & Robichaud, 2007). Since then, it's been found to play a central role in many types of anxiety, including panic, OCD, health anxiety, and social anxiety.

The anxious brain often operates on this logic:

“If I don’t know what’s coming, I won’t be able to handle it.”

This belief can lead to:

• Seeking constant reassurance

• Avoiding unfamiliar situations

• Over-planning or procrastinating

• Rigid routines

• Emotional exhaustion

  
  

IU and Parenting

If you’re a parent who struggles with uncertainty, that need for control can really ramp up. You might:

• Reassure your child repeatedly

• Jump in too fast to fix or “solve” distress

• Avoid new experiences for your child

• Feel overwhelmed when your child has strong, unpredictable emotions

But here’s the thing: we can’t remove uncertainty from our kids’ lives. And we don’t need to. What we can do is model how to live with it—and show them that uncertainty doesn’t have to mean danger.

How IU Might Be Showing Up

You might notice IU in your own parenting if you:

• Micromanage your child’s schedule to avoid surprises

• Constantly look for reassurance from experts or friends

• Struggle to make decisions unless you’re completely sure

• Feel anxious when outcomes are out of your control

Every time we avoid uncertainty, we teach our brains that it’s unsafe—strengthening the very fear we want to overcome.

The Real Problem Isn’t Anxiety—It’s How We React to It

Here’s something that can feel hard to hear, but also freeing:

Fighting anxiety often makes it worse.

When we try to push it away, ignore it, or argue with it, we usually give it more fuel. This is what Drakeford calls the Boomerang Effect — the harder you try to throw anxiety away, the faster it comes back.

The Boomerang Effect reminds us that the more we resist anxiety, the more tightly it clings. Trying to "get rid of" anxiety only strengthens the cycle.

That doesn’t mean we have to just “accept feeling terrible.” It means making space for discomfort—without letting it run the show. It’s about shifting our inner voice from “This is unbearable” to “I can be with this, and still move forward.”

Trying It in Real Life

Here’s how a few of the “rules” might look in day-to-day parenting, especially when Intolerance of Uncertainty shows up:

The Demand for Control and Certainty

Anxiety says you’ll be safe if you plan for everything. But life is uncertain, and trying to control it all is exhausting. Overthinking and perfectionism don’t protect you—they drain you. Real peace comes from learning to live with the unknown.

This rule says: “If I don’t know exactly how things will go, I can’t relax.”

In action: Your child is anxious about a test or sleepover. You start overexplaining, over-preparing, or mentally rehearsing every possible scenario.

Instead: Pause and remind yourself: This is distress—not danger. You can be with the unknown and still support your child.

The Boomerang Effect

Anxiety doesn’t like being pushed away. The more you fight it, the louder it gets. Like a persistent little tug on your sleeve, it demands attention. Real relief comes not from resisting, but from noticing it—with curiosity instead of fear.

This rule insists: “If I push anxiety away hard enough, it’ll go away.”

In action: You try to stay “positive,” push past your feelings, or distract your child at all costs.

Instead: Let yourself say, “I feel nervous, and I’m doing it anyway.” That models courage, not avoidance.

The Self-Attack Statute

Anxiety says if something goes wrong, it must be your fault. You replay it, apologize too much, and blame yourself to feel in control. If you caused it, maybe you can fix it. But self-blame isn’t safety—it’s a trap that keeps you stuck in shame and doubt.

This rule whispers: “If something goes wrong, it must be your fault.”

In action: Your child melts down at the grocery store, and your inner critic yells, “You’re a terrible parent.”

Instead: Gently ask, “Is this my anxiety talking—or my shame?” Reframe the moment as an opportunity to respond with connection, not judgment.

Final Thoughts: Sitting with the Unknown—Together

Parenting through anxiety—your child’s or your own—isn’t about having it all figured out. It’s about showing up, even when things feel messy or uncertain. It’s about letting your child know:

“We don’t have to feel okay to keep going.”

You don’t need to be fearless. You just need to be willing—to feel, to stay curious, and to show up.

That’s how we grow.That’s how our kids grow.And that’s how anxiety starts to loosen its grip.

If this resonates with you—if you’ve found yourself caught in the spiral of anxiety, perfectionism, or the pressure to be a “fix-it-all” parent—you’re not alone. You don’t have to navigate uncertainty by yourself. Whether you're parenting a child who struggles with anxiety or simply trying to manage your own, support is available.

If you're curious about working together, I invite you to reach out. Let’s explore how you can build more calm, flexibility, and confidence—starting exactly where you are.

Lets Connect.

References

• Carleton, R. N. (2016). Into the unknown: A review and synthesis of contemporary models involving uncertainty. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 39, 30–43. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.janxdis.2016.02.007

• Dugas, M. J., & Robichaud, M. (2007). Cognitive-behavioral treatment for generalized anxiety disorder: From science to practice. Routledge.

• Drakeford, O. (n.d.). The ten rules of anxiety. Oliver Drakeford Therapy. Retrieved July 2025, from https://www.oliverdrakefordtherapy.com/anxiety/the-ten-rules-of-anxiety